Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
