I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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