and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
