when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
