Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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