i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
