Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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