you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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