Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
