I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
