can u get pink eye on your cock?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
