you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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