I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
