He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
