He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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