good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
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