K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
