No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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