looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
How external is "for external use only"?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
