Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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