if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
