Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
