how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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