I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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