So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We named our party play list daddy issues
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
