Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
