i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
