Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
