I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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