Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
