her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
