my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
