No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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