you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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