Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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