wrigley field is MILF paradise
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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