Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
