How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
