You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
