Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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