so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
