My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
