i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
