dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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