The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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