My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize