He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
