We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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