My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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