So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
