Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
