We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
