i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
