Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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