??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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