Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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