Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
