The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
