I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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