I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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