just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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