So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
