i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
