just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
